You.

::So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.::

The pouring of my soul

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this actually. I guess I should begin with a question that has been tugging at me for a while. Why do humans hate? A simple question but with a different answer tailored to suit whoever is answering it. I've been pondering this question for the last four or five so months. Why do we hate? We all do it, I do, you do, even the pope hates, but why? I've developed a few theories since my pondering began, and I would like to share one of them in particular. Perhaps we hate because the hatee (Person being hated) merely reminds us of one of our own faults, past faults, or past actions. In some demented way our minds makes a subconscious link between the reason you hate whoever it is you are hating and some part of yourself. Now keep in mind that I in no way think this is accurate or true. I am merely asking the question and sharing my answers with anyone who cares enough to read this. With that brain storming session out of the way I'm going to share a story with you that has had a direct impact on the rest of my life. Five months and three days ago I officially began to date a girl named Jennifer. I say officially because we had met before then, and I had a girlfriend at the time. Now, before you formulate your opinions on me,I'm sure many of you already have, let me finish the story. You can formulate any opinion of me you want when I am finished but just give me the time it takes you to read all of this. Anyway, Jennifer was the single greatest decision and mistake I have ever made in my life. I know confusing, right? How can something both be one of the best decisions in your life but also the worst? Take it from me, it can. Before I get into explaining how it can be so you need some background information for this to make sense. Before I began to date Jennifer my then ex-fiance made one final request when I told her that we needed to be apart. That night I cried in her arms and promised that I would not date Jennifer. With that now stewing in your head I can continue the story. Jennifer was almost a carbon copy of myself. We had so much in common it was actually laughable, and we laughed at it often. I guess, looking back, that I decided to go against my promise to not date Jennifer because I felt it was to big of an opportunity to pass up. Jennifer and I were so happy that I felt she might be the one, so I risked it and dove in head first. This single decision is the beginning to your answer as to why Jennifer was my greatest mistake. In diving in with Jennifer I was, theoretically, closing the door on my ex-fiance. In breaking my promise, my last promise, I assured her that I would not change, and even if I did she would not care. I sealed my fate as far as she was concerned. Now here I am going to pause and change directions. You now have all the bad, and I want to even things up a bit. Jennifer was also the best decision I have made in my life. This is because she allowed me to live with a mirror image of myself. In the time that I spent with Jennifer she showed me what it was like to be on the receiving end of every single one of my character flaws, every single one. Jennifer showed me what it was like to be lied to, what it felt like to worry when she don't come home, how difficult it was to get a straight answer from her, and all the other atrocities I have committed over the years. In making me go through what I personally have bestowed upon people finally opened my eyes to the world around me. Dating Jennifer opened my eyes and gave me a lot of my life back. I am actively working on all of my character flaws and have made some great progress because of it. I am becoming the person I was meant to be before I lost my way, and I have Jennifer to thank for that, in a twisted way. At this point I'm sure you can see why Jennifer was both the best decision and the worst. In dating Jennifer I ruined any chance I had to re-formulate a life with the person I love most on this planet. But, in dating Jennifer I also was awakened to the very problems that caused me to ruin my relationship with my fiance. Without Jennifer I would never had changed a damn thing about myself, because I didn't think there was anything to change. At this junction in my life I don't know where to go. My heart aches at what it has lost and will never have again, but my mind is vigorous with new healthy energy. My body is torn and so shall my soul be. I will never know if I made the right decision. All I know is what I've lost and also gained, my life.